Sunday, August 9, 2009

Losing a Whole Year

It's been a while, but I want to start writing in this thing more often. Who knows if that will really happen or not, but we'll see. It just feels better when I can gather and collect all of my thoughts and write them down. It's hard to remember how I felt about things and relationships and it's becoming harder and harder for me to remember anything really.

This past weekend has shown the beginnings or at least the concrete evidence that I'm changing.

For the last.. well, four years I've been able to party, drink excessively and have a blast where ever I'm surrounded by friends. Friday, Keith had a party at his apartment on Ludlow. I had a good time, people came and went, 90's music was rockin and the NES was in full throttle. But, at the end of the night, I stopped drinking while Nacho, Hrudi, Keith, Thomas, Laura and the other girls were still up and drinking. I felt, lost.. out of place. Which should never happen to me at Keith's place. I went to sleep before anyone else and woke up alone, so I gathered my stuff, walked out of the apartment down to my car and drove home.

Saturday Kristina had people over. Judging based upon who she invited, her motives were obvious. Her sister told me that she is anti-anything fun, which I thought was hilarious. Kenney spent the whole night on the phone trying to patch things up with Katie, and there was not much that I could do to help but give him cigs, my lighter, and beer while he was pacing around outside. I didn't even get in the hot tub. I felt lonely again and stopped drinking early on my own, even though Arthur, Kenney, Cory, Cameron and Kristina were there among the small crowd. Kenney said that he didn't think Zach or anyone there was that funny even though everyone was laughing. On the drive back to my place, Kenney reminded me of the talk we had a long time ago about him, Keith and I, and pointed out that it's becoming more apparent. I agree, and it sucks.

I've lost the concept of friendship that I used to have. I used to have a handful or two of friends that I would die for, and I knew that they would do the same for me. Now I feel like I have 50 close friends who don't know me. I'm too trusting and inviting to company and acceptance. Everyone is growing up and going different directions and I'm stuck at the vector between High School and College, and to top it all off College is going to be over in the Spring.

I find myself listening to songs that I used to love in High School and I still love them, or at least I think I do, because I know all of the words. Honestly, my musical preferences have almost disappeared completely. Which, in one way I see it as a good thing, that I'm growing up and I don't need to define myself by the type of music I listen to or judge others based on what they listen to. But, in a more profound look, being a musical snob was one of the major things that defined who I was. With the loss of this interest in bands and just about everything that I used to have a passion for, I am left passionless. There are very few individual characteristics that define who I am which makes me feel uninteresting.

How am I to really, deeply connect with a person if I don't have a personality or unique interests? I define myself on who I am around and what their preferences are. This makes me unoriginal. According to Holden Caulfield, I'm a phonie. But I don't want to be a phonie.

Maybe I'm just in need of a girlfriend. I want someone to be there for me and someone I can be there for. I want someone to put my arm around and look at the stars. I want someone to be intimate with. Someone I'm attracted to and values honesty and spontaneity as much as I do. My ex won't even look at me anymore, although I can't blame her. But this lack of romantic involvement in my life is putting a strain on everything I do. I'm a relationship guy, like I've said to my friends my entire life.

It's turning out to be that the girls who are interested in me I'm not attracted to, and the girls that I would consider are huge sluts, either emotionally or physically. This sucks. What they say is true, girls in their early twenties absolutely fucking suck. They discover that they have a lot of power because they have tits and a vagina and they use this to their advantage. Stupid Slunts.

Shit, I didn't mean to rant about girls.

Basically, I'm growing up and it scares me. A lot. I'm really scared and I don't want to grow up. I want to go on random adventures. I want to visit different places. I want to do spontaneous things. I want to enjoy every second of every moment and I want life in every word. I want to smile because I'm genuinely happy.

Maybe it's just being home that's made me feel like this. I go back up to Miami in a week. Hopefully I'll feel better up there.