Sunday, August 9, 2009

Losing a Whole Year

It's been a while, but I want to start writing in this thing more often. Who knows if that will really happen or not, but we'll see. It just feels better when I can gather and collect all of my thoughts and write them down. It's hard to remember how I felt about things and relationships and it's becoming harder and harder for me to remember anything really.

This past weekend has shown the beginnings or at least the concrete evidence that I'm changing.

For the last.. well, four years I've been able to party, drink excessively and have a blast where ever I'm surrounded by friends. Friday, Keith had a party at his apartment on Ludlow. I had a good time, people came and went, 90's music was rockin and the NES was in full throttle. But, at the end of the night, I stopped drinking while Nacho, Hrudi, Keith, Thomas, Laura and the other girls were still up and drinking. I felt, lost.. out of place. Which should never happen to me at Keith's place. I went to sleep before anyone else and woke up alone, so I gathered my stuff, walked out of the apartment down to my car and drove home.

Saturday Kristina had people over. Judging based upon who she invited, her motives were obvious. Her sister told me that she is anti-anything fun, which I thought was hilarious. Kenney spent the whole night on the phone trying to patch things up with Katie, and there was not much that I could do to help but give him cigs, my lighter, and beer while he was pacing around outside. I didn't even get in the hot tub. I felt lonely again and stopped drinking early on my own, even though Arthur, Kenney, Cory, Cameron and Kristina were there among the small crowd. Kenney said that he didn't think Zach or anyone there was that funny even though everyone was laughing. On the drive back to my place, Kenney reminded me of the talk we had a long time ago about him, Keith and I, and pointed out that it's becoming more apparent. I agree, and it sucks.

I've lost the concept of friendship that I used to have. I used to have a handful or two of friends that I would die for, and I knew that they would do the same for me. Now I feel like I have 50 close friends who don't know me. I'm too trusting and inviting to company and acceptance. Everyone is growing up and going different directions and I'm stuck at the vector between High School and College, and to top it all off College is going to be over in the Spring.

I find myself listening to songs that I used to love in High School and I still love them, or at least I think I do, because I know all of the words. Honestly, my musical preferences have almost disappeared completely. Which, in one way I see it as a good thing, that I'm growing up and I don't need to define myself by the type of music I listen to or judge others based on what they listen to. But, in a more profound look, being a musical snob was one of the major things that defined who I was. With the loss of this interest in bands and just about everything that I used to have a passion for, I am left passionless. There are very few individual characteristics that define who I am which makes me feel uninteresting.

How am I to really, deeply connect with a person if I don't have a personality or unique interests? I define myself on who I am around and what their preferences are. This makes me unoriginal. According to Holden Caulfield, I'm a phonie. But I don't want to be a phonie.

Maybe I'm just in need of a girlfriend. I want someone to be there for me and someone I can be there for. I want someone to put my arm around and look at the stars. I want someone to be intimate with. Someone I'm attracted to and values honesty and spontaneity as much as I do. My ex won't even look at me anymore, although I can't blame her. But this lack of romantic involvement in my life is putting a strain on everything I do. I'm a relationship guy, like I've said to my friends my entire life.

It's turning out to be that the girls who are interested in me I'm not attracted to, and the girls that I would consider are huge sluts, either emotionally or physically. This sucks. What they say is true, girls in their early twenties absolutely fucking suck. They discover that they have a lot of power because they have tits and a vagina and they use this to their advantage. Stupid Slunts.

Shit, I didn't mean to rant about girls.

Basically, I'm growing up and it scares me. A lot. I'm really scared and I don't want to grow up. I want to go on random adventures. I want to visit different places. I want to do spontaneous things. I want to enjoy every second of every moment and I want life in every word. I want to smile because I'm genuinely happy.

Maybe it's just being home that's made me feel like this. I go back up to Miami in a week. Hopefully I'll feel better up there.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Try to Remember, Forget

I've been meaning to create one of these for a while now. I doubt anyone I know is ever going to read these, so I'm just going to pour it all out online. It's safer than keeping it in a notebook or written journal or something. Maybe a random person will find this online and comment on it. I could use the advice.

Last night reaffirmed my belief that I'm detaching myself from everyone. I keep trying to justify it by saying I'm just trying to find myself after moving back home from Miami. That's a lie. I haven't known who I was since Junior year of High School, and even then I thought I was finding myself.

Great, she just texted me. God that's a book in itself. I think I may still be a little drunk from last night.

There were two parties last night. One was at AC's and the other was at Bob's, a five minute walk from each other. I told Nick I'd drive him and play pong with him all night at the parties. Nick was celebrating Thanksgiving with his mom so I told him to call me when he was ready to go. I met Lauren and Carrie at Zen and Now and had a couple cups of coffee with a lot of cream. Then I drove to Nick's and found Pete Lind and some Ben guy. I drove them to get beer and then dropped Pete and Ben back at their cars and waited for Dave to get there. Meanwhile Kristina was parking by AC's and thought I'd be up there but I wasn't even close. She drove home and texted me throughout the night trying to meet up, but to no avail. When Dave arrived the three of us got in my car and I picked up some Justin guy. We took the long way to Clifton and a swarm of friends surround my car while we're picking up rachel. She gets in and we finally get to AC's.
When we opened the wooden gate to his property, there was a sea of high school kids. I made my way down to the basement, paid five bucks for a cup and started drinking. Didn't get very far. A few minutes after arriving, the cops showed up when we were outside smoking cigs. Five squad cars? Followed the sea of high school kids off of the property, broke free of them and met up with Doug, Pete and some others. Walked to Bob's.
Couldn't walk more than 5 feet without someone pulling me aside and saying hi. Sounds great, gets annoying quick. Made my way to the basement, Joe calls me as beer pong partner. Get on in front of people waiting to play. Thanks Joe. He grabs the pitcher from one of the other pong tables while they're using it, and fills our cups up. We lose. See Cory on the stairs, make my way through people hugging me and grab him for a cig. People I haven't seen since childhood show up. Get Ian's number, says his roommates in Chicago are loaded and he has connections at all the bars. Tells me to call him next time I'm there for a party and a place to stay. Rachel makes her way to Bob's from AC's and tags along for a while. Keg runs out early, thank god for Quenton's bottle of liquor.
Walk around the party, talk to people. Run out of cigs eventually. Bum some from Cory while he's successfully convincing some girl to punch him in the face. Girl named Amanda swears she's met me before at a Halloween party- could be true. Wants me to come back in 15 seconds to use a cheesy pick-up line on her. I say ok and walk off. See her an hour later in the kitchen, calls me out on not coming back to her. I call her a slut in front of half the party. Walk downstairs. Everyone's drunk and I walk with AC back to his house for a small after party.
Cops cleared out, second keg is pretty much full. Win three games of beer pong with Dave against some bros. Bum a cig off of AC, make myself throw up while I'm out back. Walk back inside, see the twentieth random hookup between random friends of the night. Pour a shot of Jose for me and Justin, then another of some red stuff. Justin bails to throw up. I strap myself to the keg and drink out of the nozzle for the next hour and watch them play pong. Two small guys lift me for a keg stand. Beer is cold, brain freeze. AC goes to bed, random roommate kicks us out eventually. Cory calls. Dave and I walk to Kelly's to pass out. Jess meets up with us for the walk back. People point out that I ripped my shirt.
Get to Kelly's, bum another cig. Realize that I should really buy more than one pack when I go out. Go upstairs. I call Jess' bed. She doesn't need it, on the couch with Garrett making out. Dave sleeps on the floor in the other room. I give him a blanket. Cory and Kelly are probably doing it in the bed next to the one I'm sleeping in. I grab the laptop and switch through songs. This situation has happened a couple times now. Kelly tells me to keep it down because I'm singing along to sad songs. I pass out with my hands on the keyboard.
Nick calls in the morning. I ignore it, too early, too drunk to care. Ten minutes later Dave wakes me up. We meet Nick and Justin at my car. Drive the fast way home. iPod died, radio sucked. Eventually sobered up and was pissed that my good shirt was ripped.